why i hate time travel (journeyman 1.1, 1.2)

dan talks with a plot point in journeyman 1.2.

grandfather paradoxes. i frakking HATE grandfather paradoxes. they make my head hurt. and maybe that's the reason i hate journeyman as much as i do.

the premise of the show is...simple? dan vassar, a reporter for the fictional san francisco register, gets headaches, passes out, and hops to another time period in order to make sure certain events play out. only he doesn't know what he's supposed to do and who he's supposed to save. also, he keeps on running into his not-so-dead ex-fiancee, who's also a time hopper, and ends up in situations where he almost interacts with his past self or tries to pass himself off as his past self.

see, that's why my head hurts.

in the first episode, he follows around this one guy and keeps saving his ass, only he's supposed to eventually let the guy get killed so that he doesn't kill his son, who's apparently supposed to be important in the present. in the second episode, he helps deliver a baby, then follows her around, thinking he's supposed to help her make amends with her estranged father and be a bone marrow donor for him, only it turns out she's supposed to be a match for another patient who is an armed forces pilot in the present. bah.

one thing that got old really fast in the first episode (and even older in the second) was the overuse of popular music from the time period dan jumped to. because seeing a calendar or newspaper with the year on it isn't enough of a clue. no, we need to hear sarah mclachlan, oasis, etc., to fully get it. only no, we don't. give us viewers a little credit, ok.

dan's relationships are pretty front and center all the time. his wife, who used to date his cop brother, is having problems with his new side job, what with the not letting their little son know what's going on and having to cover for him with co-workers and friends. cop brother thinks dan's crazy. oh, and, there is dan's not-so-dead ex-fiancee who has the same side job as him and isn't dead, even though everyone thinks she is. then there's his editor at the paper, who thinks dan is a drug addict and is also not very happy with him, which, well, honestly, the guy's missed every deadline he's had in two episodes. his ass should've been canned.

on a sidenote, dan, a newspaper reporter, has an iphone?!? this really is fiction.

the only sub-sub-plot that actually has me interested is, in the second episode, dan hopped while on board an in-flight airplane. airport and federal officials weren't very happy about that. wifey came up with a lame story that dan must've unboarded while they were still on the ground. dan's editor thinks this is newsworthy, so he assigns a reporter to write a story about fellow reporter dan who apparently found a whole in airport security. only the reporter finds out there's security tape footage of dan and wifey getting on the plane, but not of dan getting off. now there's a story i'd read in the newspaper.

so really, if they could avoid dan almost interacting with himself and stop playing popular time period music, the show may not be that bad. it seems to have a pretty straight-forward plot, which may or may not be a good thing. it works on medium, which i love. but maybe it's too much like medium? i guess only time (ha) will tell.

an open letter to josh schwartz, re: chuck 1.1, 1.2

wienerlicious fight from ep. 1.2.

dear josh schwartz,
hi. i really liked the first season of the o.c. the second season was ok. the third made me want to drink myself to sleep, and i only watched the season premiere of the last season. also, i'm really, really enjoying gossip girl. that blair is all shades of alexis morel carrington colby dexter rowan bitchy! but josh, i'm really sorry to say this, because i do like some of your work, but i really, kinda, sorta want to make hate to chuck.

let me put it in words you may understand: chuck bartowski does not equal seth cohen. he's like a shell of seth; he has all the qualities that made me want to strangle seth, without any of the things that made me want to snuggle with seth at night.

but i can see where you're going with the character. he's the ultimate nerd fantasy come true. he has a computer-related job, then overnight he becomes a super-spy with a hot blonde possible love interest.

not to sound like something from e! or vh1, but that's when things start to turn for the worse, which, unfortunately is still within the first half-hour of the pilot.

the thing is, zachary levi just isn't leading man material. or maybe that's just my own prejudice because he'll always be kip the asshole from less than perfect. also, maybe it's just the schedule. i mean, it's kinda rough when there's a three-hour block of shows centering on reluctant heroes.

let's examine the facts. chuck is annoying. his best friend is annoying. within the first 15 minutes of the show, we get a batdance reference, which normally, i might be ok with, but they're comparing the impossibly good-looking blonde secret agent to vicki vale. and poor adam baldwin. does he always have to be in roles where he's the hardass? and chuck saves the day by defusing a bomb with an internet porn-related virus? riiiiiiiiiight.

the second episode wasn't any better. secret agent blonde takes an undercover job at a place called wienerlicious? wienerlicious? really? with teenage boys repeatedly coming in to comment on how hot she is. didn't you think that might be a bit much? because it really was.

so in two episodes, we have a nerd living a fantasy, complete with too-hot-for-him love interest, government conspiracies and secrets, a sidekick that should be put out of his misery, nerd flying a helicopter, an evil doctor trying to steal government secrets, and a fight scene in a place called wienerlicious. guess which is the only one i enjoyed?

josh, i used to have such high hopes for you. i'm hoping the next couple of episodes make me change my mind about chuck. but if they don't, well, at least i have gossip girls.

kthxbai!!!
mando

late thursday night/early friday morning update

mando here. just a little update. leanne's feeling better, but still a little under the weather. as for me, i've been rewatching shows for most of today and yesterday. reviews/recaps of the first two episodes of chuck, journeyman, and bionic woman will be up tomorrow afternoon. still tweaking and searching for images. i'll also have my review of cavemen up sometime tomorrow. this weekend, look for my "which commercials would make better shows than cavemen" feature, as well as my "which fictional shows set in the reality of shows would make better shows than cavemen". the latter should be a real hoot. also, in the works, an examination on the iphone ubiquity in shows so far, and whether the characters using them can actually afford them.

stay tuned.

tv news

periodically, leanne or i will post links to tv-related news online. here's the first of such posts.

hulk hogan set to host revived american gladiators. [ain't it cool news]

the daily show's demetri martin to spin-off into his own show. [e! online]

abc, rob thomas bringing back cupid, sans jeremy piven. [zap2it]

tivo users not taking a "pass" on new fall shows. [mediaweek]

the cw is cutting kids wb!; warner bros. says shows will still live on somewhere [newsarama]

tuesday night update

hi folks. mando here. leanne's a little under the weather, and i've been ultra-lazy, so there's been a lag in posting. she'll post when she's feeling better. in the meantime, i'll do my best to get everything up to speed. i'll get my reviews up soon (read: tomorrow-ish, thursday-ish) for the first few episodes of chuck, journeyman, reaper, big bang theory, how i met your mother, cane, back to you, weeds, dexter, cavemen, and carpoolers. also, by end of week, i'll have a feature up on commercials that would've made better shows than cavemen (because the pilot was AWFUL!!!!!).

enjoy the rest of you tuesday night, and stay tuned. (i can't believe i really just typed that. ha.)

desperate housewives, 4.1

previously on desperate housewives...well, i had to pay attention because the last time i saw dh was, well, last season's premiere. lynette has brain tumor and is going through chemo. susan and mike are finally (and annoyingly) married. bree is faking a pregnancy. gaby married the watersports guy from sex and the city, then promptly made plans to leave town with ex-hubby carlos. oh, and edie "hung" herself. only not really. well, she waited until carlos got home. also, when the fuck did everyone become friends with edie? didn't everyone hate her? now everyone is at the hospital worried about her after her "suicide" attempt? i'm sure this was a development last season, but it's ... strange.

fast forward a month. omg! look! new neighbors! let's sip coffee and impose on their privacy! dana delany shows up, and susan remembers her as katherine, a woman that lived on wisteria lane 12 years ago who abruptly moved (natch). attached are her ob/gyn husband, adam (nathan fillion) and daughter dylan, who was apparently julie's childhood bff, only she doesn't remember it.

blah blah blah, katherine throws a welcome back barbecue for herself, susan whines to mike that adam thinks she may be going through "the change", edie is finally let go from the hospital and thinks the party is for her, then lynette gets into a fight with a PTA bitch and takes off her wig to reveal her cueball. unfortunately, her bffs also see, and this is followed by a sappy heart to heart where they say they won't keep any major secrets from each other, then promptly not tell each other about the fake pregnancy, the maybe menopause, and yet another extramarital affair.


the girls make a pact to not keep secrets, then promptly break it.

later, after much off-camera hanging out, dylan confesses to julie that she doesn't remember shit about living there and has this recurring dream where she's a little girl and some man tries to abduct her, which her mother tells her not to think about. julie gets all suspicious and tells susan that dylan is not the same girl she knew. oh, and susan isn't joining the cast of golden girls any time soon, because she's (gag) pregnant, which when she sees how happy mike is about it finally makes her believe that he really does love her. because, you know, having not killed her in the past several years doesn't prove that he loves her. lord knows i'd kill her the instant i met the bitch. god, susan, just fucking die! oh, and edie basically blackmails carlos into staying in their horrible relationship by telling him she knows all about the millions in his secret offshore bank account. i'd been wondering when someone on this show would get a secret offshore bank account. it's a basic soap requirement!

of course, katherine has a secret. she's not letting dylan move into a certain room in their house, where it's implied (heavily) that something bad happened to her in there. here are my guesses:
1) the man that tried to abduct dylan was killed by katherine or her then husband, and it tramatized dylan, therefore explaining why she doesn't remember anything from wisteria lane.
2) it's not the same dylan. what happened in that room was that someone killed the original dylan, and the memory this dylan has of almost being abducted is really katherine's first husband abducting her.

the best line of the episode comes from bree, which i guess sums up her story from last season: "first people thought that your step-father was a wife killer. then your sister takes up with her history teacher. and now we're supposed to parade a little bastard up and down the street. we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!"

the episode was kinda hit and miss for me. it was a good season premiere by the fact it set up plots to come. but it's like i missed nothing. all the characters are essentially the same as they were when i last saw the show, which is fine for a daytime soap. but this is primetime, where character development is encouraged. katherine's secret doesn't seem that hard to figure out. and honestly, i have to admit that the only reason i decided to pick the show back up was because of the one life to live factor, with fillion (a former joey buchanan) and the drool-worthy tuc watkins (who was almost always scantily clad on oltl) joining that cast, the latter as one of the gaybors moving in soon. but honestly, there's only so much susan i can stand. but if something good doesn't happen in the next couple of episodes, this is going back in the drop pile.

saturday night live, 33.1

is there a rule i don't know about that says that saturday night live can't have a funny season premiere? because it sure does seem like it, especially in recent years, and this saturday's season premiere was no exception. hosted by lebron james (ugh), i found myself struggling to find something to laugh at. so let's break it down to the bad, the worse, and the ok.

the bad:
should it have been a sign that the announcer didn't start, well, announcing, until the opening credits were at seth meyers? i think yes. instead of the opening, let's start with weekend update. besides the stuff on iran president mahmoud ahmadinejad (which i'll get to later), there wasn't much to enjoy. even kenan thompson's oj simpson schtick wasn't that good. ok, except for "what happens in vegas, you must acquit." the funniest thing on weekend update: a man in boston that proposed marriage via crossword puzzle. the punchline: just six months before, he divorced his wife via the word jumble "ist ovre btcih". sadly, that wasn't enough to save the segment. the first skit after the horrible monologue was penelope, kristen wiig's character that always has to one-up everyone. am i the only person that finds this character not funny at all? in the last half-hour, we got a skit centered on kanye west getting mad at various awards presentations, including the nobel and a pumpkin contest. although i have to give props to kanye for being able to make fun of himself, the skit fell way flat.

the worse:
the mahmoud ahmadinejad overload! e-fucking-gads! we get it. he says the gays don't exist in iran. did we really need a love song dedicated to how gay he is? i'm looking at you, samberg! not to mention the various jokes in weekend update that could've been spent on anything else. speaking of jokes that have already been worn out, the ambiguously gay duo cartoon centered about sex in the men's room? look, i know you all were on break during the summer, guys, but the larry craig shit is old. kthxbai!!! oh, and the angry dog food commercial? meh. and what was lebron doing on the bag of dog food? that made no sense and didn't really add anything to the joke. then again, lebron added nothing to anything he was in. and since i don't care about high school musical and have never (or will ever) see it, i guess the parody was over (or under) my head. blah.

the ok:
besides the one joke from weekend update i liked, the only thing that didn't completely suck for more than one second was the lyle kane show (on BET, or as lyle calls it, the Black ET channel). it was actually funny, and will forte was hilarious. then lebron entered the scene and ruined it. yup.

overall, i miss tina fey. ok, i shouldn't say that because her last year on the show wasn't that great (except for weekend update, and that was because of her and amy poehler). but really, the show never does well when an athlete is the host. and i'm just glad maya rudolph is back, even though she's just barely back after much back and forth about her not returning to the show. maybe next week with seth rogen will be better. please?

what would the barefoot contessa do?

have you ever been in a food-related situation and thought to yourself "what would the barefoot contessa do?" i know i have.

the question comes from a very random gilmore girls quote, and while lorelai probably meant the ava gardner barefoot contessa, she was in the kitchen when she said it, so of course i associated it with ina garten.

binding my loves of tv and food, this feature will revolve around food-related scenes in shows i watch, and how different it would be if one of the characters was swapped out with ina.

here goes the first installment. enjoy. (i hope.)

picture this: gossip girl. pilot episode. serena (blake lively) got into a hissy fit with former bff blair (the wonderfully bitchy leighton meester), which has led to her drinking (heavily) on an empty stomach. enter the sleezy chuck (ed westwick), who's daddy (real, not sugar) owns the hotel serena and fam. are staying at. he proceeds to sleeze it up with serena, who's just drunk and hungry. chuck offers a grilled cheese with truffle oil. serena knows it's not on the menu, but says ok to the offer, but only because she's hungry. after the sandwich is made, chuck lets the cooking staff go home early. while serena says the sandwich is the best she's ever had (when you're that drunk, every food is the best you've ever had), chuck says he'd like his payment. and by payment, he means he'd like to have sex with her, the easy way or the rape way.

now let's stop right here and swap serena with ina.

ina: you know, chuck, this grilled cheese is almost as fabulous as my blue cheese souffle. maybe you'll let me whip that up as payment instead.

chuck: if by souffle, you mean my penis, then yes, whip away.

ina: i knew i shouldn't have had all those martinis. pomegranate cosmos would've been a better choice. i made them for some friends i had come in from L.A. and they adored them.

chuck: what the hell are you talking about? i'm going to rape you now.

ina: instead of rape, which my husband jeffrey wouldn't very much like, how about i throw you a dinner party! we can have a cheese plate to start, with gruyere, manchego, and a good stilton, which goes great with a nice shiraz. i also make this great guacamole salad that ...

chuck: what about rape do you not understand?

ina knees him in the balls, then hits him over the head with a stainless steel pot and throws hot truffle oil on him.

ina: don't fuck with me! i used to work at the white hosue, pansy boy!

end scene.